Forget Survival of the Fittest: It Is Kindness that Counts: Scientific American

Forget Survival of the Fittest: It Is Kindness that Counts: Scientific American

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A.E.Brain: Today's Battles

A.E.Brain: Today's Battles

A Doctor's Journey - Fascinating

This story is well written, informationaly correct and certainly reflects many aspects of my own journey. R
http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2007/08/12/family_doctors_journey_full_story/

Back on Line

Hi all, just a quick note to let you all know that I've finally gotten my new computer (which my son built for me) and I just love. I've made the move to Bellingham, WA and am in the process of acclimating to the colder weather. More on everything – stay tuned. R

'Trans'-forming Corporate America

The Fortune 500 companies are starting to understand and support transgenders in their workplaces. Here's the link to the CNN Money article:
http://money.cnn.com/2007/07/23/magazines/fortune/transgender_workplace.fortune/index.htm?postversion=2007072405. R

How To Treat A Trans Person

The following is taken from WikiHow; here's the link: http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-a-Trans-Person

How to Respect a Trans Person
This wikiHow was made for those who have recently learned of a transgendered person in their lives, and are unsure of how to act around them without offending or hurting their feelings. The term "transgendered person" in this article means a person born into the body opposite of the gender they feel they truly are. (In simple terms, men trapped in women's bodies, and women trapped in men's bodies.) This condition is known as Gender Dysphoria and shouldn't be confused with transgender as transgender includes crossdressing and other issues, which don't necessarily mean that they feel trapped in their bodies.

Steps
Thank them. It is very hard to come out to people as transgendered. They trust and/or respect you very much to have come out to you. Thank them for trusting you; it will mean a lot to them, because YOU mean a lot to them.

Respect their gender identity. Think of them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance) from now on. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise. Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.)

Watch your past tense. When talking of the past don't use phrases like "when you were a previous gender", because to them they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons. If you have to use this, say "before you came out as current gender."

Use the proper terms. Use words for their proper gender, not the one they were. If they were born male (MtF - male-to-female), use feminine words like she, her, actress, waitress, etc. If they were born female (FtM - female-to-male), use masculine terms like he, his, etc. (Unless they say otherwise.)

Don't be afraid to ask. If you have a question that isn't too personal (based upon what type of person they are and the relationship you share), ask them. They will be happy to answer most questions, and glad you are taking an interest in their life.

Respect their need for privacy. Do not out them. Telling people you are transgendered is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. "Outing" them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them. It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot - or even being harmed. They will tell who they want, if or when they are ready.

Recognize the difference between gender identity and sexuality. Do not assume that their gender has anything to do with sexuality. It doesn't. Their sexuality is the exact same and has nothing at all to do with their gender identity. Terms may change, but that is it. To clarify: A transman who identified as straight before will now identify as gay; a transwoman who was straight will be a lesbian. A transman who was lesbian is now straight; and a transwoman who was gay is now straight. Bisexuals will remain the same. The sexual preference does not change, only the term in relation to their gender.

Treat them the same. While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don't particularly appreciate you making a big deal about them. After you are well-informed, make sure you're not going overboard. Transgendered people essentially have the same personalities as you and I. Treat them as you would someone "normal".

Tips
If the person was born a man, she is a transwoman, MtF, or simply a female/woman. If the person was born a woman, he is a transman, FtM, or simply a male/man.

Asking about peoples' genitals and how they have sex is not appropriate; in the same way asking cisgendered (non-trans) people how they have sex is not appropriate.

Everyone is different and most transgendered people will be glad to answer any questions - but if they are uncomfortable answering, or don't want to, then let it go. If you need to know, use the resources below.

Not all transgendered people get a sex change (SRS, or Sexual Reassignment Surgery), so don't automatically think that is the plan.

If you slip up early on and say "she" or "he" when you meant the other, don't apologize too much, just follow the mistake with the right term and continue what you were saying.

There is no "cure" for being transgendered, except to correct the physical appearance to match the mental gender identity. There is a problem with the body, not the mind.

Websites like PlanetOut or MySpace have transgender groups, or other sections for transgendered people; go to them to talk to people or learn more.

Warnings
Do not call their transsexuality or transgenderedness a "choice". It is not. The only choice is to try to ignore it and be miserable, or accept it and make any changes that feel necessary to live a happier life.

Do not call a non-transgendered person a "real" girl/boy etc. What makes a man a "real" man or a woman a "real" woman is their mind/brain, not their body. A transman is no less a real man and a transwoman is no less a real woman; the ONLY difference is that their body does not match their gender. That's it. A good word to use when referring to non-transgendered people is "cisgendered", or non-trans.

NEVER tell them that people will not understand or love them because they were not born the right gender outside. It hurts very badly, and is not true. Many transgendered people are understood, accepted and loved.

Related wikiHows
How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
How to Come to Terms With Being Transgender As a Teen
How to Have Respect for Yourself
How to Observe the Day of Silence
How to Be Respectful of Your Family

Courts Are Getting It! From Australia

My friend Zoe provided this clip from a recent Australian court decision regarding the biology of transsexuals:



Re Kevin – Significant findings of Justice Richard Chisholm in respect of the expert medical evidence in that case as to the causation of transsexualism and as strongly affirmed by the Full Court on appealAt paragraph [270]: ‘But I am satisfied that the evidence now is inconsistent with the distinction formerly drawn between biological factors, meaning genitals, chromosomes and gonads, and merely "psychological factors", and on this basis distinguishing between cases of inter-sex (incongruities among biological factors) and transsexualism (incongruities between biology and psychology)’.At paragraph [272]: ‘In my view the evidence demonstrates (at least on the balance of probabilities) that the characteristics of transsexuals are as much “biological” as those of people thought of as inter-sex’.

A quote that gets it

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

Jenny Boylan Speech Excerpt

Here's an excerpt from a Jenny Boylan speech; feel the heartache, agony, love, caring and humanity:

"...Or how about this: I'm in my late twenties and I have finally fallen in love with an amazing woman named Grace. My whole long life, I have been praying and praying that someone would fall in love with me, because if someone falls in love with me, I will finally get outside of myself, I will finally be cured of this crazy thing I have. And to my amazement, Grace is in love with me. We drove all the way from Louisville Kentucky to Washington DC one day, and we kissed at every stop light on the way. And I feel transformed and healed, and when I get back to my own apartment in Baltimore, I go to the closet and I gather everything up in a big plastic bag. The wigs. The clothes. The bobby pins. The copies of Allure and Vogue and the balloons that I filled with tap water for breast forms and the shoes in size twelve I had to send away for to Lee's Mardi Gras Boutique, and the heavy pancake makeup and the purple eyeliner and the clip on earrings. And into the trash they went, and I went outside and put the bag by the curb and I stood there beneath the full moon, and I thought, yes, yes, yes, at last I am free! I'll never need to be a woman again!
Does this sound familiar?

Well, this last story probably won't sound familiar to most of you, but it happened to me. Fourteen years after I threw that bag of stuff out in the trash, I was waking up in Neenah Wisconsin, with the body I'd always prayed for. In one hand I clasped a little Demerol drip, so that whenever I felt the slightest bit uncomfortable, I went DING, and all my problems went away. I spent a week or two in bed, high as a kite, saying, I'm So Happy! And I'm trying to be entertaining to the people that surrounded me, starting to tell a joke and then falling asleep in the middle of the punchline.

But get this: at my side on that occasion were three people: including Grace, the woman I'd married all those years ago, the woman to whom I'm still married, the woman who at one point said, this is not what I wanted out of a marraiage, I feel totally gypped out of my husband, it's just not fair, but who at another point said, I would never turn my back on the person I love, ever. And so Grace sat by my side and held my hand. And I said to her, Sing me a song?

And she sang me this song:
(singing)
Do you think I could leave you crying?When there's room on my horse for two? Come up here Jack, quit your crying.We'll mend up your horse with glue.When we grow up we'll be soldiers, And our horses will not be toys.Maybe then we'll remember, When we were two little boys.
And next to Grace was my friend Rick Russo, a writer from Maine, and my closest friend. And next to Rick, was the cartoonist Timothy Kreider, who, after Grace and Rick headed back to the east coast, hung out with me day after day, watching Buster keaton movies and reading me, from cover to cover, The Princess Bride.

I can tell you that I never had a girlhood. I never had the experience of my father sitting next to me, reading his daughter a good night story. I never had that, and I never will. But when I was forty one, I had Tim Kreider, my dear friend, read me the Princess Bride, chapter after chapter. Hello My name is Inidgo Montoya. (get crowd to say the next two lines, in unison.) You keel my father. Prepare to die.

Okay. So those are some of my stories. What we need now, in the years to come, are some of yours. Each of us embodies our gender difference in a different way, and what we all need are more stories, more opportunities to learn from each other exactly how many different ways there are to live this life... "

Another Favorite of Mine

Several years ago, I read Jenny's book "She's not There" just when I was really grappling with where I fit on the gender spectrum. Although I couldn't say the words outloud then, (overwhelming cultural imprinting), I "knew" in my heart of hearts I was a transsexual. Thank you Jenny for your superb writing and story. R

Here's the link to her website: http://www.colby.edu/personal/j/jfboylan/

Check out the kind of company I keep.

Here's a link to the kind of transgendered/transsexual people I seek out and admire. Be sure to read a little of her scientific/engineering accomplishments. Some this computer stuff we take for granted, is a result of her pioneering research/application. Hugs, R http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html

Follow Your Heart

The following are a couple of signature tags I lifted from a forum I participate in; they so resonated with me that I wanted to share them. R

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door...
You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet,
There is no knowing where you might be swept off to."
-Bilbo Baggins-

"Follow your heart
No matter where it takes you.
Do not question it.
It will lead you to places
Where you've never been before."

A Poem by Melody

I came across this poem; it speaks so directly about things in my own heart; it is me. It is a beautiful, creative piece. Here's Melody: "I wrote this some time ago.. I thought some might enjoy it - Melody"

Lost somewhere in a splice
Sugar and spice and everything nice
I can feel her
And I'm searching.

I see examples of how I feel
And I observe
I feel trapped in my demeanor
And I deserve
To be me.

I'm looking for a girl
A little lost girl
I'm looking in the mirror
I'm looking for me.

I lift my head up from uneasy pillows
My face of lies is awakening
The face I feel
Is not the face I see
For my life is still in the making.

I can begin to see her
Beneath the facade and the shroud
It makes a difference
It's time to be found.

I'm looking for a girl
A little lost girl
I'm looking in the mirror
I'm looking for me.

Melody

"Wiki" Link for Transsexualism

Hi, I just wanted to provide a link that gives the basics for transsexualism. From personal experience, I guarantee that to find one's self a transsexual is not a choice; I fought, denied and repressed my transsexualism (becuse of USA culteral imprinting)for almost 60 years - I only wished that my will and self-disciplne had not been so great - and that the internet had been available. I would not wish the agonies of my journey on anyone. Perhaps one day, those who are born this way, will be openly understood and accepted for the plain and simple human beings that we are: we are just just like you. The link is provided for info and education. Hugs, R

Here's the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual

"The Cat out of the Bag"

Here's the photo that inspired the name of this blog. It is the pic at the top of a grocery list pad. Rae Ellen gave it to me as a kind of gag thing when it became clear I was going to transtion and was starting to tell others about my plans.
So Cute! R

For persons wondering why we transition?

"True, but for me, the pain of the fire was less than the pain of not being who I was meant to be. If the pain of fire/transition were greater - who would transition? I think(opinion) everyone begins with a large dose of 'hope' (R agrees). We 'hope' that our entire family and all our friends will welcome our transition with open arms. It's a little unrealistic perhaps, but I wonder if a person were certain that they would loose all friends and family, would they still take the plunge...would they still choose to walk through fire? (ponder, ponder...think, think, think...) I know that for me - in looking back at how I felt, how much emotional pain I felt - I still would have transitioned even if I was certain I'd loose everyone important to me. For me, it was like a choice of the lesser of two evils. It hurt less to become myself, than go on living a lie as somebody I knew I wasn't."

These are the words of a woman posted on the transsexual community boards I participate in. They express precisely and concisely how I feel about transitioning - they could be my words exactly. Here's the link: http://beginninglife.com You'll not be able to access the registered inside boards, unless you've registered as a TS person; however, you will be able to get the drift of a lot of persons who eventually become members. R

Male/Female Brain Differentiation

Here's a copy from a post: http://aebrain.blogspot.com/search/label/Science. Zoe is a leading rocket scientist in Australia, and a fellow T-girl - we stay connected thru the net. She's another example of the kind of gals I like to hang out with. Sorry, the links aren't active (I don't know how to do that yet), so you'll have to copy and paste if you choose to follow any. Enjoy:

Friday, May 18, 2007
A Reply from a guy I used to know
Over at LGF, a reply by a guy I used to know. Or be. I've quoted it (slightly edited) because it's typical of the questions I get asked, and the answers I give, in comments in many places. It's useful for me to have the URLs of the scientific articles handy. He asks,

"I'm curious---how is a "male" brain different from a "female" brain, and how can doctors tell this? (Especially since brains are not easily examined from outside?)".

Easy, you cut people up during Autopsies. Zhou J.-N, Hofman M.A, Gooren L.J, Swaab D.F (1997)A Sex Difference in the Human Brain and its Relation to Transsexuality. (PDF) See alsoKruijver F.P.M, Zhou J.-N, Pool C.W., Swaab D.F. (2000) Male-to-Female Transsexuals Have Female Neuron Numbers in a Limbic Nucleus (PDF). I mean we have it pounded into us, over and over, that there are no real differences between males and females. Well, who are you going to believe, Post Modernist Gender Studies Professors who know nothing of biology, or Dynamic MRI Images? Hamann S, Herman R.A, Nolan C.L, & Wallen K. (2004)Men and women differ in amygdala response to visual sexual stimuli (PDF) Of course say that in public, and even presidents of Harvard can get fired for political incorrectness. As I understand it, sex is determined very early on during gestation, by one's DNA. DNA don't lie. And thus there are no children born with cleft palates, nor heart defects, the Thalidomide kids did not exist because the DNA don't lie...(tongue in cheek) The DNA is a plan, like an architect's drawing or a blueprint. But things can go awry during construction. Thalidomide caused terrible defects in development of limbs. DiEthylStilbestrol (DES) caused 1 in 5 male children to have feminine brains. But kids are born with such problems randomly anyway. From the Benjamin's Syndrome Info site (see TS Stuff link list to left):
The embryo's DNA is essentially the blueprint from which it knows how to develop. This blueprint contains much more information than the embryo will actually use. Genetic abnormalities can cause errors in the parts of the blueprint that the embryo is using, or tell it to use the wrong parts of the blueprint. So some parts of the body might not know they're supposed to make certain changes when they're exposed to testosterone, for example. Also, the presence of various hormones at various stages during the embryo's development helps regulate which parts of the blueprint are followed. If the wrong hormones are introduced at critical times (eg by the mother taking pills), or something prevents the right hormones from being present, the embryo will not develop as expected. Abnormalities in sexual differentiation as a group are known as Intersexuality. Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) is a good example. Embryos with Total AIS do not recognise testosterone, so their external genitalia is female. However, they are affected normally by AMH, so if they have XY chromosomes they will not develop female internal organs (eg the uterus).Benjamin's Syndrome is a form of intersexuality in which the brain of a person with XY chromosomes fails to masculinise for some reason, or the brain of a person with XX chromosomes does masculinise (there may be many ways in which this can happen). It is often (but by no means always) accompanied by other signs of mild atypical sexual differentiation, eg a particularly large clitoris or small penis, unusually pronounced proto-labial seam, late or minimal puberty, etc. It can also coexist with other types of intersexuality, though if another kind of intersexuality is present then an additional diagnosis of Benjamin's Syndrome would generally be considered superfluous.

My Kids and Ex- Wife Colleen Are Reading This Blog - Woohoo!

This is a very good thing. It means that there is communication of sorts taking place, which is a definite improvement over the prior situation - no communication. It is so important for all of us to be able to discuss really important things within a family, without judgement and in love; I sincerely trust this is the case now.

I understand how huge the "loss" of a parent is within the transsexual paradigm to the children and spouse; but the "real" person is still there and it is only the cultural imprinting that makes the adjustment so terribly difficult. I am quite sensitive to that difficulty and only wish to keep an open dialoge with my family that is intended towards acceptance and understanding, based on God's love and forgiveness. This space is always open to the comments of any family member; and especially my kids. My only request is that any remarks are within these "Jesus parameters": love your neighbor as yourself, judge not that you might not be judged and "...wanna cast the first stone?" Hugs, R

Inky

This is one of my two cats, Inky. He's sitting on the porch railing at my old place. The backdrop is the British Virgin Islands. This cat is uber active and always hunting and scrapping. But he sleeps on the pillow next to me most nights and sometimes drapes himself around the top of my head. I love him. R

Remembering Joshua

On May 10, 2003, My son Joshua Nathaniel Lee died by the accidental discharge of a handgun. He was preparing to go bear hunting with his friends near Bigfork, MT, where he was raised and now rests. He was such a good son and I simply want to remember him on this anniversary. I'm not sure what he'd think about my being a TS, but Id like to suppose he'd be accepting. Josh I love you, miss you and am so proud of the way you lived your life - you were just the best. Be seein' ya before ya know it. Love and hugs, Rebekah